


the taste of eternity

by deadspoets



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Atheism, First Kiss, Jewish Bucky Barnes, Jewish Character, Jewish Steve Rogers, M/M, One Shot, Religion, Religious Conflict, Religious Guilt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-06
Updated: 2018-04-06
Packaged: 2019-04-19 09:57:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 660
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14234790
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deadspoets/pseuds/deadspoets
Summary: bucky has more than one thing to tell steve before he leaves for the frontlines.





	the taste of eternity

**Author's Note:**

> glossary for the goys at the end

Bucky’s hands are wringing in his lap and he can’t stand to look Steve in the eyes. The two of them are dangling their feet off their fire escape and the sun is setting on Brooklyn, painting their neighborhood in a dusky yellow. The last rays shine on the back of Steve’s head and when Bucky allows himself a glance, Steve looks like an angel. 

Bucky is more nervous than he’s ever felt before. More nervous than the time he stole penicillin from the pharmacist for Steve, more nervous than the time he kissed Rebecca Kahn behind the schoolyard, more nervous than the time he walked into the recruitment center for the first time. He knows he has to tell Steve now, before it’s too late. Before the sun sets on him too. 

“I have to tell you something important, Steve.”

Steve looks at him, worried. Bucky looks straight ahead.

“I know faith means a lot to you. Everything that happened with your ma, your sickness. I know you turned to Hashem for the strength to continue on. You say Shema three times a day. You wear the kippah my mom knitted for you. You wear my hand-me-down tzitzit.”

At this point, Bucky has moved on to ripping his fingernails to shreds. 

“I… I just can’t do this anymore. Not when my life isn’t so certain anymore.”

Steve finally speaks up, “Buck, what are you talking about?”

“I have what I don’t want and I want what I can’t have.”

The fire escape is silent for a few beats as Steve puzzles over what Bucky said and Bucky tries to formulate the right words. 

A nervous cough comes out of Bucky. 

“I don’t believe in Hashem anymore, Steve. With everything that’s happened to you, to me, to us. Bad things happening to good people, this war, all of it. What kind of god could justify any of this?” Bucky gestures out to the empty streets of New York, where the children are starving and the parents are dead. 

Bucky can see Steve in his peripheral, a knot in his forehead as he processes the news Bucky just told him. 

“I don’t know, Buck. I don’t know.”

“Are you… are you okay with that? Am I still your friend? Am I going to Gehinnom?” Bucky finally looks Steve dead in the eyes.

Steve lets out a loud chuckle, “You’ll always be my friend and you were definitely going to Gehinnom before this, Bucky Barnes.”

The words come out before Bucky can filter them: “More than you know.”

Steve slips his hand in between Bucky’s and squeezes it ever so slightly. Bucky looks away, scared that Steve can read his mind, see that Bucky has one more confession left in him. Bucky knows he’s being naive, he knows Steve can feel Bucky holding his breath. Steve isn’t letting go of his hand. In fact, he intertwines their fingers. Bucky looks down at his lap. Steve’s naturally smooth hand slots into Bucky’s own calloused hand with such effortless perfection it makes Bucky want to cry. He hasn’t allowed himself to be this physically intimate with Steve in a really long time. Probably not since Bucky realized his feelings for Steve went above and beyond anything he thought possible. Bucky knows he should tell Steve. Just in case he doesn’t make it home. 

“Steve, I-”

He can’t finish. Not because the words aren’t there but because they’re swallowed. By Steve’s lips. On his lips. Steve is kissing him and a million things explode in Bucky’s brain. He pulls away on instinct. 

“Oh. Bucky, I’m sorry I thought-”

And now Steve is the one who can’t finish his sentence because it’s Bucky’s lips on his. Steve tastes like everything Bucky imagined; mint, lemon, home. Bucky can taste salt too. Steve breaks the kiss to wipe Bucky’s tears away. 

“It’s gonna be okay, Bucky. I love you. For everything you are and everything you are not.”

**Author's Note:**

> the goy glossary:
> 
> • hashem: the hebrew word for "god"  
> • shema: a daily prayer commanded by god, similar to the Lord's Prayer  
> • kippah: head covering worn by orthodox jews, aka yarmulke  
> • tzitzit: prayer shawl worn underneath everyday clothes  
> • gehinnom: the place of spiritual punishment and/or purification for the wicked dead in judaism, aka "hell"


End file.
